22 June 2011

For My Grandmother : Please, stay as an Angel.


My Grandfather with Mami, West Sumatra.

I had a dream last night. I met my grand mother, a very sweet woman to whom I often share my feeling with, the woman I call "Mami".

She was wearing her long dress with brown veil covered her grey hair. We sat at her old house, the house where I grew up at. She told me one simple statement in Indonesia language : "Mami kangen Fifa. Jangan pergi lagi ya..." 

In english, it would be: "I (Mami) miss you, Fifa. Please stay, dont go anywhere anymore.."

And then we hugged and cried together.

Probably for some people, that was weird, or totally random dream that shouldn't be posted here. But for me, that dream makes me realize one thing: I may probably be physically far away from people that I love, but my heart still and will always be theirs. I miss my grandmother.

I still remember how Mami spent her evening with me at her house, after she and I prayed together with my grandfather, and then we had dinner and talked about my day at school. Mami will always have time to listen to every single story I told her. Even story about how upset I was when my friend at school made fun of me.

She always have had time for me. For stories I shared with her, for simple dinner together, even for have ice cream together and then watched news on TV. 

Now, along with this fingers typing words in my laptop, I'm asking myself: "Do you have time for your grandmother, Afie? Have you had time for her? Listen to her life's stories, make her dinner, buy her ice cream... Have you done that, Afie?"

No.

I never try to ask about her life.
I never try to ask about what she feels.
I never try to ask if she wants ice cream or not (My Mami is a rock star grandma! She loves ice cream so much! One day, she took my ice cream from freezer and when I asked her, she put 'that' face and told me, 'Ohh, that was yours? I thought that was mine).

I never want to know, but I want her to ask me about my stories.
I want her attention, but I never put mine for her.
All I care was my personal life.

I am selfish, and arrogant.
Sadly but true.

Probably now, my Mami is sitting on her sajadah, praying to God, and then go to bed.
She's might be getting older, but she's always... always... the same Mami I have ever known in my life.
Caring, loving, put other people problems as hers...

She is an angel.

God, I may not your favourite person on earth,
I made terrible and stupid mistakes in life which you probably hate me for.
But if I could trade off my happiness with something else I could choose,
I would say: Please... please take a very good care of my grand mother.

Mami,
You inspired me.
Please, stay who you are.

I love you.

ps: I may not home (yet) now, and haven't hug Mami for the last 8 months, but as soon as I'm there, that would be one of the very first thing I wanna do. Wait for me home, Mami...


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