28 January 2012

Two months blogging break and question about broken life

Okay I got it. 

The last time I wrote a piece on my blog was....... three years ago? Oh no wait, it was two months ago. Several times I pledged to learn how to write consistently excellent along with finding out about how to improve SEO, while in fact I proved the other way around. I became inactive in a social world, not only on blogging but also Twitter and even Facebook (Did I just make Facebook sounds like taking shower?) I pretend like the real world is much more important than this thing inside my laptop. I have started this ´I-need-privacy´ life. No facebook status updates, no tweets other than links I provided people to click on to, and other than that, I have become an observer, 24/7 reader, and a passive entity in this social connected era.

I used to be a conversationalist. Well I think I was. I loved to talk and share perspectives with others, I actively engaged in several discussions with my friends from college, or random new people I met on new places. In a shorter words: I opened myself for everybody. But now, I think I am not the person I used to be. One of the reason, probably, because lately I have realized that I was one of those people who were mentioned on Susan Cain´s ´based on-sixth-years-research´ book called Quite, as ¨The introvert who pretend to be the extrovert.¨

Do I really enjoy being around people? Make them laugh, share stories, taking pictures and show the world how content I am as a twenty three years old woman. Or actually the whole ´being with friends´ were just only my way in order to get myself labelled as a fun-to be-with person? A way to get myself acknowledged by the society around me. Do I really that demanding with my social life even though deep down inside I have started to believe that my life is all about me and my own journey? The experiences I embrace, the lessons I learn along the way, the exquisite natural beauty crafted in my personal view, the positive marks I leave for others, the impact I create, the spirituality I found deep within me, and so on, and so on, until I believe, in life, nothing else matter.

Back to what Susan Cain mentioned on her book about ´the extrovert and the introvert,´ I keep thinking about the word over and over again. Pretending. It may sound stupid for some people to read these following statement, but I just wanna tell everybody that I even opened several tabs looking for the definition of the word ´Pretend.´ Here are the following meaning I found on Dictionary.com:

pretend [pri-tend]
1. to cause or attempt to cause (what is not so) to seem so;
2. to appear falsely, as to deceive;
3. to make believe;
4. to presume;
5. to allege or profess, especially insincerely or falsely;
6. to make pretensions.

Do I pretending my life away? What´s the matter with being radical honest within society that seems wanting us to be ´a person with million friends?´ When was the last time I told friend that I dont like the way she/he talks to me? I think, I have never said that because I was afraid to do so. I was not brave enough to tell to someone straight to her/his face about something that I dont like from them, profoundly because: I was afraid to be that person. I was afraid to hurt their feelings, I was afraid to be hated. I was afraid to have someone who would ended up talk behind my back about how rude I was. The main point is: I was too afraid to be an honest person.

There is this great point I read on Amber Rae´s post on her Tumblr, titled ¨Cut the Bullshit: Radical honesty, living naked, and the lies we tell ourselves,¨ 

¨In order to have authentic relationships with others, we first need to have more radically honest relationships with ourselves.¨

I need to be honest to myself first in order to have authentic relationships with others. That´s probably the main reason why I feel lately like I have broken relationships with almost everyone. A friend who never give any response to my facebook message, or another friend who seems to take some space from me, and other sentimental feelings I have to others. Now I realize those worries are not my main problems. The real task for me is to define who I really am, to be honest to myself, to have a two way communication with my inner space. To become my very own best friend, to find a peaceful life. To find a peace deep within me. To know what is peace and to learn more about how to achieve it. 

Two months have passed since my last post about diplomacy, another global affairs issue on my blog. I wouldn´t stop writing about that, since that is one of my interests in life. But together with my effort to learn about what´s happening outside, I also ask myself to look and carefully learn what lies inside. To have an honest relationship with myself. To be honest of who I really I am and what I really want in life. To be who I really want to be. And the most important of all: To overcome the fear of being alone. It is so okay to be alone. 

Pretending is so last centuries :)


rabiah said...

dan sekarang mbak akhirnya benar2 sangat jujur... you dont hve to pretend you r happy when u r not,pretend that u r strong when you r not.. Love you as you.

Ayunda Afifa said...

Bi! Thanks for coming and stop by. Yes, dengan berjalannya waktu, aku semakin belajar untuk menjadi pribadi yang jujur kepada diri sendiri. Masih butuh waktu untuk benar2 bisa menemukan siapa sebenarnya Ayunda Tafsa Afifa itu, but time will teach along the way :) Love you Bi!