I spent about an hour today walking around El Polo area just by myself, having lots of thought in my mind about my life, my experiences, my mistakes, my failures, and so on and so on until I stopped myself in one part: The question part.
I got myself all confused on what I want now. What I'm really heading into in correlation with what I am really wanna do in life. Lame and cliche? For me these things are daily meals for my mind.
Once, an old man told me: If you know what you want, then you know what you need. If you know what you need, then you know what to do. If you know what to do, then just do it.
Sounds simple, huh?
In reality, is not as simple as that sound. I know what I want (Do I?) Since I was in high school, I truly realize that I hate science and I love social subjects. I get myself caught by my Physics's teacher when I sneaked out the class and went to canteen, stayed there for 20 minutes (talking with food seller) and in the next 40 minutes I sat in my school's counselor room. I hate physics. My 'runaway' story back several years ago was one of my dirty little secret :)
Back to the topic. Yes, so I realized at that time (my high school time) that becoming a doctor is a big impossible thing for me (in Indonesia, most young people grow up with one typical dreams: becoming doctor). Luckily me, my parents both were supporting everything that I wanted to be. It was no matter at all for them that I got 5 for my math assignment. My Mom even told me: I won't force you to become number one, as long as you do your best and be honest to me.
(I wanna apologize first to my Mom because deep down inside her heart, of course she was sad when she found out my math, physics, chemistry, and biology's final score back when I was in high school. I'm sorry Mom, I did not 'force' myself to become better at that moment.)
So what I wanted to be was: a diplomat.
Shortly speaking, I went into International Law major in one of the most respected university in Indonesia, Universitas Gadjah Mada, Yogyakarta. I enjoyed the classes, I enjoyed the topics that I learned, I fully put my concentration into things that related to my biggest dream: Becoming a diplomat.
I joined Model United Nations community in my university, I participated in two simulations one organized by Harvard University in The Hague, Netherland, and one by Stockholm University & Stockholm School of Economics held in Stockholm, Sweden.
I wrote several articles about global affairs, got myself invited in some student discussions around my university, spent a lot of my times with my colleagues in Yogyakarta, talking about current issues and planning to organize special international affairs youth community in Indonesia, so back at that moment I felt like I finally found what I cherished the most.
Now I've been living in Lima, Peru, for the last 7 months (I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 7 MONTHS!!)
I came for the internship and still working on stuff. I spent my 'life' on computer, articles, reports, email, until I keep asking myself: DO YOU HAPPY BY DOING THESE, AFIE????!!
Are these part of my paths to the dream I've made? The 'stay too far away from family and friends' part, the 'no money' part, the 'miss my home so much' part, the 'crying in the bathroom' part, do I think these are worthy enough?
Again, I have to ask the same question like the old man said: "If you know what you want, then you know what you need. If you know what you need, then you know what to do. If you know what to do, then just do it."
WHAT YOU WANT, AFIE?
... I want to be happy and make my Mom and my Sister happy too.
WHAT YOU NEED TO HAVE THAT?
... I need to work my ass harder than others to achieve what I've been dreaming since I was 15.
WHAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO?
... Stop complaining, keep crying, but maintain the final results you want to get.
THEN DO THAT.
*Apparently, I find myself easier to understand things that I write than things that I think. Hahaha.
In the end, I conclude the meaning of life with one word: ABSTRACTION.
I dont know what is the meaning of life.
But I will keep searching for it.
I'll define it.
I'll define mine.